


That Merc!

by pantswarrior



Category: Suikoden II
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-11-12
Updated: 2002-11-12
Packaged: 2017-10-29 20:01:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/323606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantswarrior/pseuds/pantswarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Viktor doesn't think he gets enough respect from the rest of the army, and... well, this song parody wrapped in fic certainly won't help matters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Merc!

**Author's Note:**

> With apologies to Disney staff, particularly whoever wrote "Belle" from Beauty and the Beast.
> 
> ...And also apologies to anyone reading this. Really. Terribly sorry. This is what I get for having Wonderful World of Disney on the TV behind me as I was RPing a very drunken Viktor - somehow he latched onto "Belle", and... it just happened. I'm terribly sorry. I also blame That 70s Show - those who watched it will understand why, I'm sure.

"I tell you, Flik, Humphrey - I don't get the kind of respect a guy like me deserves around here."

As nearly always, the three old friends, having known each other since the first incarnation of the Liberation Army, were seated around the table at Leona's pub, a mug of her fine ale in hand. As the barmaid passed, Viktor raised his mug, and she obligingly refilled it.

Flik just smirked. "To get respect, you'd have to do something to earn it, Viktor. Other than drink."

"Bah - I've done plenty," Viktor grumbled, setting his mug down on the table with a thud - and a small splash, as the ale sloshed over the side. "I was the one who showed everyone to this place, wasn't I? And I drove off Neclord even. And my unit can plow through just about anything, and I led one of the teams to take out Luca-"

"So did I," Flik reminded him. "And I don't see anyone raising flags in my honor, or singing songs about my heroism. There are too many people doing good work in this army for anyone to be singled out - don't you agree?"

"Well... yeah..." Viktor reluctantly agreed. "But wouldn't it be nice, just once, to be recognized for all our hard work?" He quieted, staring off into space and getting a funny look in his eye. "I can just picture it..."

Flik grimaced, and took another gulp of his ale. He knew where this was heading, and he was going to need it.

Viktor paid him no mind, his attention already focused mostly on the fantasy taking shape in his mind. "Yep... it would be wonderful."

For once, Humphrey spoke up - a very rare event. "...Not again."

(In Viktor's fantasy, he is by the gates in the early morning. Strolling down the road, he looks over the castle that used to be his hometown of North Window, and all the people who rush here and there preparing for the day. Dramatically, he throws his arms wide and begins to sing as he turns down the street leading to the castle's main entrance, birds taking flight around him.)

 **Viktor:  
** My hometown  
Was a broken village  
Till the day  
It became our fort  
Now it's loud,  
Full of men and soldiers  
Waking up to say...

(In front of the entrance to the pub, which Viktor turns into, several of the army's troops are greeting their superiors.)

 **Hauser:** (to Muse soldier)  
Report!  
 **Miklotov:** (to a group of cadets)  
Report!  
 **Gengen:** (to Gabocha)  
Report!  
 **Gabocha:**  
Bow wow!  
 **Gengen:**  
Report...?

(Inside the pub...)

 **Viktor:**  
There goes the barmaid with her tray, like always  
She's serving Humphrey now, and Flik...  
And there's ale for Gijimu  
With Lo Wen and Koyu too  
In Leona's little pub -

 **Leona:** Good morning, Vik!

(He reaches the bar, where Leona has paused in her serving to greet him.)

 **Viktor:** Hey, how's it going?  
 **Leona:** Not bad. Going to sit down and have a drink?  
 **Viktor:** Nah, I gotta get to one of Shu's meetings. Not that I wouldn't rather stick around, instead of listening to a bunch of wannabe politicians drone on and on and on and on and on and-  
 **Leona:** Uh, yeah. I get the idea. (calling past him to a barmaid) Hey - table four needs another round!

(Viktor laughs, and makes his way through the crowded pub.)

 **Patrons (except Humphrey):  
** Look there he goes - that man is strange, no question  
Always a smile or a smirk  
 **Rina:  
** And he drinks until he's floored  
 **Flik:** (rolling eyes)  
And he argues with his sword  
 **Leona, Flik, Rina, and the other patrons (except Humphrey):  
** No denying he's a funny one, that merc!

 **Nina:** (popping up from out of nowhere)  
Hi, Flik!  
 **Flik:** (standing up to leave)  
Uh, bye!  
 **Nina:  
** Hey, where's he going?  
 **Anita:  
** More wine.  
 **Leona:  
** Again?  
 **Valeria:  
** It's not yet noon!  
 **Rina:** (tugging at Flik's arm)  
Hey you - sit down?  
 **Flik:  
** I was just leaving...  
 **Viktor:  
** I hope this meeting will be over soon!

(Flik joins him as he leaves the pub, falling into step beside him as they head into the main hall.)

 **Flik:** Mind if I walk with you?  
 **Viktor:** Heh, convenient.  
 **Flik:** Yes, well, if you had teenage fangirls hanging all over you, you'd take any excuse too.  
 **Viktor:** Could be worse - they could be fanboys.  
 **Flik:** Very funny. So what's this meeting about?  
 **Viktor:** Beats me. I don't care, really - just show me where to point my sword, and I'll get things done.  
 **Flik:** (stifles laughter) If your sword agrees, anyway.  
 **Viktor:** Bah - it's just a stupid -  
 **Star Dragon Sword:** (draws itself and hovers before him menacingly) I'm a what?  
 **Viktor:** ...Okay, forget it. Anyway, let's go.

(They head into the main hall, with the Star Dragon Sword following slightly behind.)

 **Barbara:  
** Look there he goes, that man is so peculiar  
He's quite a pal -  
 **Star Dragon Sword:** (floating out into the main hall after them)  
The guy's a jerk!  
 **Meg:  
** Never showing any fear -  
 **Gadget:  
** BUT-HE-FILLED-ME-ONCE-WITH-BEER!  
 **Barbara and Meg:  
** What a blessing to our army is that merc!

(Heading up the stairs in the entry hall, Viktor pauses, sulking melodramatically.)

 **Viktor:**  
Ohhh, it'll be so boring!  
These are so predictable, you'll see -  
Shu will describe some tactic  
And we'll just be sitting on our butts 'till after three!

(They head upstairs, while those in the entry hall remain behind, talking.)

 **Oulan:**  
It's no surprise he finds them unproductive -  
He does his duties, hates to shirk...  
 **Jude:**  
And despite his love of booze  
His battalion cannot lose  
He's stronger than the rest of us -  
 **Luc:**  
More handsome than the rest of us -  
 **Oulan, Jude, Luc, and Viki:**  
Yes, braver than the rest of us, that merc!

(As they reach a crescendo, Viki gets a little carried away and accidentally teleports herself off to who-knows-where with a loud popping noise. Meanwhile, Viktor and Flik are climbing the stairs to the second floor.)

 **Flik:** You know, we could have just taken the elevator.  
 **Viktor:** Uh, heh heh... (scratches head sheepishly) I know that! But why take the elevator when we can take the stairs and build up our leg muscles?  
 **Flik:** Build up your muscles any more, and you won't be able to fit into the meeting hall.  
 **Viktor:** (smirking) That would be a good thing. Besides... (pauses and flexes) just look at me! Gotta keep up my physique, and elevators don't help that.  
 **Voice:** Ohhhh, did I hear someone say something about strong leg muscles and physiques, mon ami?  
 **Voice:** I believe you heard correctly, my dear friend! And just look who is coming this way!  
 **Viktor:** Oh no, not again...  
 **Flik:** (puts his hand on his sword) What is it?  
 **Viktor:** Remember I said something a minute ago about fanboys?  
 **Flik:** ...You don't mean...  
 **Viktor:** (sighs) Yep, it's them. Just be quiet and hurry past into the meeting hall.

 **Viktor:**  
From the first moment that I met them, saw them  
I could tell that they'd have some quirks -  
But I never guessed the one  
Would start offering me 'fun'  
Or the other would start calling me 'his merc'!

(He walks quickly between the two gaudily-clothed figures ahead of them, looking straight ahead as he leads Flik into the meeting hall.)

 **Simone and Vincent:** (swooning)  
Look, there he goes!  
Isn't he manly?  
Monsieur Viktor -  
Oh, he's so cute!  
Be still, my heart  
We're hardly breathing  
He's such a tall, dark  
Strong and handsome brute!

(Inside, Viktor is pushing his way through most of the Stars of Destiny, with Flik following after.)

 **Camus:** (with a bow)  
Good day.  
 **Viktor:  
** Yeah, hi.  
 **Tai Ho:  
** Hey there!  
 **Shilo:  
** Fixed dice?  
 **Shin:  
** I've seen you try it.  
 **Teresa:  
** Oh, please calm down.  
 **Sierra:  
** Dear boy.  
 **Klaus:  
** Er, what?  
 **Nina:  
** Sir Flik!  
 **Flik:  
** 'Scuse me?  
 **Annalee:  
** Please hear my tune!  
 **Viktor:  
** Hey, let us through!  
 **Sheena:  
** Well, babe?  
 **Apple:  
** You wish.  
 **Chaco:  
** You creep!  
 **Sid:  
** Heh heh.  
 **Ridley:  
** Will you be quiet?  
 **Viktor:  
** I hope this meeting will be over soon...  
 **Simone and Vincent:** (swooning by the doorway)  
He makes us happy in our pantalooooons!

 **Assembly:**  
Look here he comes - our army's famous hero!  
We're nothing without his hard work!  
He does everything so well -  
 **Viktor:  
** Not when I'm trapped in this hell.  
 **Shu:**  
And since Viktor's got a war to run -  
I now declare my meeting done!  
 **Assembly:**  
He's brilliant and lots of fun...  
That merc!

(Several Stars of Destiny, including Shu, Apple, Jess, and even Riou, strike adoring poses around him and raise their arms with the rest of the crowd as the music finishes, with Viktor smiling proudly.)

"Aw, yeah. That'd be great."

Back in the real world, Flik's jaw dropped as he stared at his friend in astonishment. "Uhm..."

Viktor raised an eyebrow, grinning. "So what do you think?"

Flik continued to stare, for once as speechless as Humphrey - who suddenly reminded them of his presence with a cough.

The two mercenaries glanced over to him in surprise, and found that the stoic swordsman was staring down at the table, a strange expression on his face. His eyes squeezed shut for a moment, then opened again, looking strangely watery. Finally he gave in, and throwing his head back, burst out laughing loudly.

Flik couldn't help himself either, and soon both of them were holding their sides in pain, gasping for breath as Viktor glared at the two of them. "And I call you two friends... You don't give me any more respect than the rest of them."


End file.
